one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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