Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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