He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Fuck appropriateness.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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