Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
