some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
is wine microwaveable?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
