why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
