Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
