I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
