I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
