Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
