Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize