There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Randomize
