i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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