So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
