I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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