All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
