I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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