I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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