but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
