My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Bring me that man meat
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
