brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
a search helicopter?!
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
The power of my boobs compel you
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize
