Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
