oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize