i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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