Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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