Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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