eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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