so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
