I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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