He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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