based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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