I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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