dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
