if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
