I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
