Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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