maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
