pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i will never coherently bang her
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Randomize
