Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
