Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Randomize
