I'm eating all of the evidence.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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