This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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