I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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