Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
two words...techno handjob
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
