WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
