Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Enjoy the penises
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