I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
