Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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