you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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