I met the friendliest cop last night
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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