The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
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