he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
