youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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