WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
