dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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