saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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