It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
