im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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