I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
